Is That You Mom?

For anyone that has lost someone close to you, a mother, father, child, pet, friend, etc, it can be an internal battle to accept the fact that they are officially “gone”. I understand the mourning process, I have read and researched and read again and been consulted by the amazing hospice group that was with me until the end on what all happens. But reading and being told what to expect when your loved one passes is a little different than feeling the feelings that come along with mourning over your loved one. No one can feel your feelings for you; no one can tell you, inside your head, what to say to yourself. How to understand and how to answer the many questions that arise. This brings me to this beautiful moment I had recently and the birth of a poem that stemmed from the death of my mother.

This amazing orange butterfly has made its home in our yard. Reading about orange butterflies, I have discovered they can symbolize soul and fire. A symbol of energy that maintains life on our planet. Life has seemed very quiet and empty without my mother (and father I should mention) that the possibility this beautiful orange butterfly is my mother’s energy gives me just a little happiness in my broken heart, even if it is just for a quick, fleeting moment.

I saw you flying,

high and low.

You danced with the wind,

fast and slow.

Your wings so big,

so orange and bright.

You would not leave

my curious sight.

Flying so close,

brushing against my arm,

it was as if

you were trying to sound an alarm.

Is that you mom?
Is your spirit in the air?
Were you flying near me?
Oh, my emotions, I can not bear.

I miss you so,

life will never be as was.

I think about you every day,

my life has come to a pause.

Every day I think of you,

every day I want to share.

It is really hard to go on without you,

this pain I can not bear.

After clearing the tears from my tearful eyes,

I pick myself up and go back outside.

There you are,

flying all around.

With big, bright orange wings,

fluttering them without a sound.

I smile to myself,

without anyone around,

thinking about how our souls are forever bound.

Everything will be okay, I hear you whisper in my head,

so many times before,

these words you have said.

You dance with the wind,

light as can be.

Your pain is gone,

this I can see.

It hurts to not have you around anymore,

But I am so happy you finally get to soar.